After being here for six months, I have noticed some characteristics of Rwandan culture that differ from those in the West. What are some of these differences?
1. Inability to say no to a request.
West: If you are not available or not interested, you directly say so.
Rwanda: It is difficult for people to say "no" to a request for an appointment, even if they are unable or unwilling to keep the appointment. Therein can be the problem. People want to please you, so they agree to your request. Then, at the appointed time, they don't show up. This can be far more disagreeable than if they had simply told you "no" to begin with. For the same reason, it can be challenging to determine who shows genuine interest in our message, because everyone will tell you, "Yes, I want to study the Bible."
2. Inviting oneself over to someone's house.
West: Generally frowned on. It would be the equivalent of saying, "Let me come over and eat your food and enjoy your hospitality. You should be generous to me." Or perhaps, like poor people or kids on the street saying, "Give me money." So the way you enjoy someone's company is you invite them over to your house, not the other way around.
Rwanda: Such a gesture is not viewed this way. When someone says, "So when are you going to invite me over to your place?" it is considered as a mark of friendship. People feel that they show they care about you by visiting you. So it is just a matter of your telling them when it would be convenient for them to come. Just their presence is all that is desired, no gifts necessary.
3. Showing up at someone's house without advance notice.
West: Feelings about this can differ from country to country, but generally speaking, it is best to communicate beforehand before coming over, even if it's just to drop off or pick up something briefly. Who knows, the house may be in disarray, or the host may not be dressed, etc. So better to avoid an embarrassing situation and call in advance.
Rwanda: No problem! And if we happen to be eating dinner, you are more than welcome to join us!
4. No equivalent of the word "please."
West: Saying "please" when making a request is considered a hallmark of politeness and good breeding.
Rwanda: When you want something from someone, just ask for it. You don't need to say "please," because such a word does not even exist in Kinyarwanda. Though this may be viewed by a Westerner as too up front, the fact is that Rwandans use their tone of voice and facial expressions to convey their graciousness in making the request.
5. If you suggest going somewhere to eat, you pay for everyone.
West: Though someone may expressly offer to pay for others, most people understand the concept of everyone covering his/her own meal. This should be clearly understood beforehand, because there's nothing quite as stressful as being invited by someone and during the entire meal you are wondering, "Is he paying, or am I supposed to pay for my own meal?" especially if you don't have enough money to do so.
Rwanda: Yes! And thanks for inviting me!
Note: I've never tried this, so I don't know how a Rwandan person would react if you said, "Could you invite me to lunch?"
Additional note: In Chinese culture, the way you phrase the suggestion determines whether you will be treating or everyone pays for his own meal. If you say "我请你吃饭" (I invite you to eat), that means you will be paying. But if you say "我跟你一起吃饭，好吗？" (You and I eat together, OK?), then it is understood that each person pays separately. The key word here is 请 (invite). If you don't understand this slight distinction, you may be on the hook for a lot of meals!
One time I'd learned some phrases online, one was "please stop smoking" and the sister said, "English is a very polite language. Here we don't say please, so let me tell you how to say just, "stop smoking"....
ReplyDeleteWe had unexpected visitors nearly every day, as you said, it's the norm. A sister said nobody really needs to be lonely in Rwanda, you simply go see someone!
I have invited two couples to dinner, I better keep it to that, so I can be sure to afford it!
1. Inability to say no to a request. This comes from the idea of not wanting to offend somebody, but in the long run it's disguised hypocrisy, even though most of the people are not aware of that. This is one facetof our culture that I don't like.
ReplyDelete2. Inviting oneself over to someone's house. Visiting somebody in our culture means you value him most. So, if you ask someone to visit him, it's a sign of esteem that you have for him, because it means sacrifice of time, effort and sometimes money when it involves traveling long distances. Rwandans feeling is that there's nothing to be more safeguarded than friendship.
3. Showing up at someone's house without advance notice.
ReplyDeleteTraditionally, Rwandans were good neighbors. Sometimes before the coming of fences and brick compounds, people used to stay together. It happened that if you're going somewhere, you had to pass around somebody's home. Politely, you couldn't pass without greeting. Maybe someone was sick, maybe someone is in danger, maybe they had some good news to share with you, or for any other reason. The rule of being a good neighbor meant that you have to care. Even to those people you don't know. You couldn't just pass. Who knows? Maybe, they need you.
Its even more interesting to notice that our greetings, unlike good morning, or good afternoon, which may sound more as wishes to have good time; ours are about asking about people's welfare. In the morning people say "mwaramutse?" Its a question which might mean "alive yet? And similar questions are asked depending on the part of the day.
So, it was not offensive for someone to come to your place without notice. It was just only out of concern. There were no mobile phones for him to tell you in advance, even fixed landlines were owned by a few.
Today, because of people's being very busy, or because of people's insisting too much on their privacy, or again because of western influence this habit dwindling considerably.
Yet, if it happens that someone just drop at your place like that, perhaps he is a very close friend. Usually, this is not done to people with whom you don't have very much in common or to strangers. If it happens, maybe, the person has mistaken your friendship or degree of closeness to a higher level than it must.
Again, because these days people are very much busy, doing that has become more risking your time, sometimes for nothing because you can't be sure that you'll find him home, if you didnt notify him.
Still, it might be that someone needs very much and your phone is unreachable, or in case of an emergency, he will unavoidably come. But most of the cases it depends on level of closeness, or if he's a family member, no problem.
5. If you suggest going somewhere to eat, you pay for everyone.
ReplyDeleteUsually, hospitality in Rwanda was shown by inviting a person to your home, where the host does all he can to please his guest. If You invite me to your place I'm expected to bring nothing. It meant that the host had to take good care of their visitors. And in this, Rwandans are much more like Martha in Jesus time.
So, the things of eating out, which I can say are somehow recent in our culture, are usually taken like an invitation to the host's place. The only difference is that he's taking you to a restaurant, a hotel, a bar...
Usually, because people eat at home, except sometimes at noon because of work; in the minds of many rwandans they're not prepared to pay for something they hadn't planned when they left home, especially something like food which they think even at home is ready. Unless, we have prepared it and we are eating something special, like pizza, burgers... sort of things that are not common at home, that's when usually we find ourselves eating out.